Confessions of a Work-A-Holic 05/04/2015
May, 2015
On the surface, things are going quite well. I saw my surgeon last Monday and he is optimistic about my outcome (which we won’t know for several months), and had my 1st official physical therapy appointment with my expert orthopedic therapist, Siiri Berg, MPT, OCS. I was looking forward to writing about this first appointment because even being an experienced PT, I learned so much about the post-surgery rehabilitation which has not been my specialty.
However, on Thursday, by mind and body said STOP! While on the outside, things are going well, I’m moving, doing what little exercise I’m allowed, and having very little pain, on the inside, it’s a different story. I had so many great plans for this non-patient-care time: Work on the never-ending administrative things at the office, clean up my old emails, and most importantly, get to work on my chronic pain program. I’ve been begrudgingly resisting the recognition that a lot less is going to happen than I had hoped.
Then on Thursday, it happened. I fainted. This is something I’ve been doing about once every one to two years since I was 7-years-old. On my husband’s and mother’s insistence, I finally saw a cardiologist last year who said I was fine, but due to low blood pressure and my heart not being able to keep up at times, I’m just one of those people who gets to have this scary experience now and then. (and the doc gave my plenty of examples of patients who faint a lot more often than I do!).
This episode was more intense than some of the past ones (although I have ended up with stitches in my chin and pretty big goose-eggs on my head). Fortunately I was sitting, as I had finally left my laptop and went outdoors to sit in the oh-so beautiful sunshine. As I rested back and started to enjoy a nice meditation, I realized that I was going deeper than is normal and called out to Scott. I’m not sure when he got there, but I was out for several minutes. Upon awakening, I felt awful! Still very dizzy and weak and I’m sure my blood pressure had plummeted and by the time we finally got me inside it was a whopping 79/55. It took us quite a while to figure out how to get me indoors, as I knew I wasn’t strong enough to walk with crutches or my walker and keep the weight off my leg. Luckily, with the seat on the walker, a rolling office chair, and my very strong husband, I finally made it to my bed for a good long rest – for the rest of the day! (no need to worry, this is “normal” for me).
I could just chalk it up to yet another one of “those” events. In fact, I remember telling Siiri the day before that this happens every 1-2 years and I’m probably due – premonition? However, being of the mindset where I like to understand what had happened, I asked myself many questions. (and, of course, had lots of input from loved ones that I just need to let myself rest more and do less).
So, am I really doing too much? There certainly seem to be non-stop demands that continue with being a business owner, whether or not I’m recuperating. But is it the doing? Or is it my thinking? I have a long history of getting overwhelmed by “work”. I’ve spent countless hours on trying to calm my busy mind; my meditation efforts continue to be inconsistent although I have a vast amount of knowledge and intellectual understanding of observing my thoughts versus believing them – and yet, as with many folks, they can still really grab me and take me down the rabbit hole of making me believe that all the endless tasks are necessary and VERY important.
I am also aware that my body has been through the trauma of surgery. I checked with my good friend and our Healing Bridge Trauma expert, Janice Castelbaum, and it is likely that my nervous system went into over-drive in an effort to “protect” me from future perceived traumas while also struggling with getting the rest that it needs. This is equivalent to having ones foot on both the gas pedal and the brakes at the same time. And to rebalance? More rest!
My tendency to try to attend to every little thing at my office often keeps my system on overdrive. It’s like an addiction. I know what to do: rest, meditate, Feldenkrais movement lessons, etc. Yet, there are times when I wake up in the morning and my thinking is already spinning at 100 mph, it seduces me into believing that getting up and DOING something, might ease the anxiety. Ultimately I believe this is, in part, why I am drawn to helping people who experience chronic/persistent pain. We all need to learn how to calm the brain and nervous system.
It’s a journey for sure. Learning to stop and listen, and actually follow what the mind/body is asking. Not only rest, but a lot of trust as well. Trusting that everything really is OK and will continue to be so, even if I don’t have my fingers in every little detail. I have spent way too much time worrying about this or that, and part of me really does know that somehow everything always works out. Now, if I could just get my nervous system to “get it.” But that is the real practice: over and over and over – listen and trust with loads of self-compassion for the judging and frightened voice inside, then let go. As my mom has said many times throughout my life, “Let Go and Let God”. Aaaahhh.