April 23, 2015-Caregiver Consciousness

April, 2015

I have a wonderful caregiver (and husband), as well as a back up 20 year old son who just moved back home to switch from OSU Corvallis to our local Cascade Campus. (Great timing 🙂 ). Yet, there’s lots to learn about being dependent, how to ask, stay in self-care mode, and not burn out the person who is still doing ALL of his usual work, plus running back and forth to cater to my every need.

The first few days were pretty easy. I was in no condition to do anything for myself but eat (of course I will not miss out on good food!) and hobble to and from the bathroom as needed. He helped me dress, bathe, prepared my every meal, snack, water, tea, coffee…got my notes from one place to the next, the remote, all my particular new medications and supplements at the right times, helped position my legs on a pillow, etc. And I truly believe he wanted to. As I became more capable, I started to try a few things for myself and he would give me a sideways disapproving glance and a smile, often jumping in and doing it for me.

Then the guilt set in. I am used to being very independent. Well, sort of. He has always been in the role of the stay-at-home Dad and househusband, so he does all of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc while managing the business books, payroll, and building maintenance. Don’t hate me – I do my share to support this arrangement that we have been so blessed with. Back to my independence – as I started trying to do more for myself there was this strange pull. I could tell at times that some caregiver fatigue was setting in and I didn’t want to be a burden. I was also excited to discover what I could do for myself. But how much?

I suspect at times I have been overly ambitious, yet compared to “real life” I’m still doing oh so little. All of my friends continue to remind me “not to over-do it”. I guess they know me  too well. It’s a delicate balance between exploring what is possible during times of having more energy, while being willing to surrender when fatigue sets in and be willing to continue to requests assistance. It’s excellent practice in mindfulness – stopping, settling, listening and then following what I know is best for my mind and body, which usually means it’s time to rest (again!).

What I’ve tried to remember the most is how to ask. Please and Thank You have not gone out the door just because this is my husband and it is the 10th thing I’ve asked for this morning. I learned long ago that making a request in a tone that sounds like “please” does not always convey the request and can still come across like a demand. There’s a nice phrase that is used by people who practice the art of Non-Violent Communication (based on Marshall Rosenberg’s work), where one uses the phrase, “would you be willing to…?”

And thank you is always appropriate, especially when one is truly grateful for the gift of service that is being offered. My heart stays full of gratitude, not only for Scott, but the continued love and support from friends and family. I am blessed indeed!